People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
moms in horror movies
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns