People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me