People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
still the best tweet of the year by far
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.