@myles_morrison: People with profile pictures of their kids. Stop it. All I can think is, why are these toddlers trying to add me on facebook?
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@LimeyTheGreat: My youngest son can now reach the light switches, so don't come over to my house, unless you're really into raves or want to have a seizure.
@Sickayduh: I tried to kill a spider by drowning it in douche and now it keeps picking fights with me on social media
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT