mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.