@GabbbarSingh: People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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@mommy_cusses: Once upon a time, You weren't listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
@JohnLyonTweets: [nearing end of first date] Me: I'll give you a call later, OK? Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
@mortimermaiden: Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won't start. Mechanic: Did you try jumping it? Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?