People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
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Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Botany good plants lately?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?