People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
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Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
scared to check what name she chose
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good