People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
You Might Also Like
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going