People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
They did not think through this water fountain
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps