@BasicLyes: People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I'm being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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@EndhooS: 11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties? Wife: she asked for a pony.. Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN'T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
@heidi420x: I haven't been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn't lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I've told to cops.
@ericsshadow: Doctor: How long have you been in pain? Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
@anon_mommy: Hubby's ex emailed him wanting to "reconnect". I wanna pretend to be him & set it up so I can re CONNECT my foot up her ass