People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Breaking news:
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi