@BasicLyes: People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I'm being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@jordan_stratton: Whenever you're feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
@House_Feminist: I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig
@ericsshadow: [undercover FBI agent who's had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
@chuuew: Cop: Admit it! You killed that family Murderer: You can't prove anything... Cop: You know, you're actually called "Murderer" in this thing