@BasicLyes: People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I'm being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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@HatesNiceThings: If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
@MommaUnfiltered: Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside??? Dog: meh Me *falls asleep* Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out