People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
blocked.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.