There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.