People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Milk Cube
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee