People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Mouse
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.