@KenJennings: People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like "Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph."
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@Underchilde: Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby’s mouth when you couldn’t find a pacifier.
@Home_Halfway: "My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."
@CherBear162: Where's my cell? "Right there." That's not my phone. "Yes it is. I cleaned it!" My cell's white?
@smedlee: The worst thing about when someone tells you to chillax is what to do with their corpse.