Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
You Might Also Like
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I did not eat the cake…
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.