[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!