Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
You Might Also Like
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.