@JulieSnark: Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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@LostCatDog: I peed in an ocean, but I'm not going to tell you which one - you're going to have to take your chances.
@TheGladStork: Daughter: How was your day, Daddy? Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
@Amusitr0n: [clenching fists] "I'll fight someone" Waiter: For the last time sir, 'cheese plate' describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
@ibid78: "You know why I pulled you over?" "Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?" "Wow. You're free to go." "Is anyone free?" "Oh you're good."