@JulieSnark: Pepsi and Coke can't even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
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@TheTweetOfGod: The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
@DanDoofus: Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so's my liver but you don't see me slowing down because of it.
@dave_cactus: ME: I had to fix dad's computer after the power surge. HER: Motherboard? ME: No, she was watching TV.
@POTerritory: Him: So what do you do? Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.