I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.