my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
You Might Also Like
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit