Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow