5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither