Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
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UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.