Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
#Caturday
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
WWE is French for “yes”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet