Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
taking June’s advice to heart
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?