Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative