Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
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My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader