Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
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My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
*exercises sarcastically*
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email