Perfection.
You Might Also Like
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Oops
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.