[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?