[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
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“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Breaking news:
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.