*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
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Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
🤣could you imagine
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.