*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
You Might Also Like
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
*Inspirational Tweets*
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Breaking news: