Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Banking tips
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
fr
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account