Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”