Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that