Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The Onion called it…again.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.