Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*