@KittyShittyy: Perks of dating me : I'm too lazy to cheat on you
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@jackiembouvier: Friend: Don't you recycle? Me: I do what I can. F: What about the seals? M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
@squirrel74wkgn: Cop: Why are you speeding? Me: I'm super late for work Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down Me: Sorry. I'm.....super....late....for......work
@StephJoLanders: Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.
@Fred_Delicious: [On date] Her - "so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?" Me - "Jurassic Park theme"