Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.