Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
You Might Also Like
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men