Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please