@DurtMcHurtt: Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
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@bromanconsul: met the cutest girl today. her eyes were gentle, like the light from a phone screen and her smile glowed, like the light from a phone screen
@teacup_giraffe: My friends won't get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is "mexillent".
@Kalarlis: hello and welcome to Fantasy Football *Dumbledore passes ball to Frodo* *Gandalf intercepts football and eats it*
@thatdutchperson: [blind date] Her: so do you go on a lot of dates? Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.