person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
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Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Me too 😆
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.