Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
#gardening
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy