Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III