[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”