[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
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advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Well, that didn’t work.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”