Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
#NoRestForTheWicked
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this