Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
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I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor