Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
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Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit