Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
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me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Me redecorating every room in my mind
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.