Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Room with a view.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america